Abandoned Places- Writing
Our learning goals are to:
-write a description, using powerful words and phrases
-include some Te Reo Māori
-carefully check that our sentences make sense and have correct punctuation and spelling.
The Abandoned Cottage
I was strolling through Tūtakarau/jungle Forest for a
nice afternoon walk.
I could hear the whispering of trees, the sweet melody
of the tweeting birds and my footsteps crunching up the
leaves as I walked along. I started to sense someone
was sneaking up behind me. Suddenly I heard something
crack. I turn around just
in time to see a black figure darting in between the
rakau/trees. I started to follow after this person.
When suddenly the figure disappeared.
I looked around and saw a cottage thickly covered in
kakariki/green vines.
I walked around the cottage and found a whero/red door.
I cautiously pushed it open and it creaked and groaned.
I guessed it had been abandoned about a century or two
ago. As I walked in a musty smell hit me.
Dust filled my nose and I started to choke. I walked
around and felt the damp, makariri/cold walls.
Suddenly I saw the figure creep around a corner. I snuck
round through doors with my feet making hardly any
noise.Suddenly the black figure turned around and saw
me, “ Who are you? ” he snarled in a strangely gruff and
mysterious voice. I slowly backed away but as I was backing away the figure
sprinted forward as quick as lightning. He grabbed me and
tied me up in thick porauri/brown rope. “ Wait here!” he
said. Well, how can I move? I thought. He walked out the
door of the cottage and a few minutes later I heard a
loud humming noise. The man dragged me out of the
cottage and shoved me into a black and yellow helicopter.
He jumped in the helicopter and said to the pilot
“ Go to Tāone/town Village!” “ Yes sir!” Said the helicopter
pilot. I screamed and shouted banging on the windows
but no one heard me. . .
Choose one of the images to prompt a piece of descriptive writing
nice afternoon walk.
I could hear the whispering of trees, the sweet melody
of the tweeting birds and my footsteps crunching up the
leaves as I walked along. I started to sense someone
was sneaking up behind me. Suddenly I heard something
crack. I turn around just
in time to see a black figure darting in between the
rakau/trees. I started to follow after this person.
When suddenly the figure disappeared.
I looked around and saw a cottage thickly covered in
kakariki/green vines.
I walked around the cottage and found a whero/red door.
I cautiously pushed it open and it creaked and groaned.
I guessed it had been abandoned about a century or two
ago. As I walked in a musty smell hit me.
Dust filled my nose and I started to choke. I walked
around and felt the damp, makariri/cold walls.
Suddenly I saw the figure creep around a corner. I snuck
round through doors with my feet making hardly any
noise.Suddenly the black figure turned around and saw
me, “ Who are you? ” he snarled in a strangely gruff and
mysterious voice. I slowly backed away but as I was backing away the figure
sprinted forward as quick as lightning. He grabbed me and
tied me up in thick porauri/brown rope. “ Wait here!” he
said. Well, how can I move? I thought. He walked out the
door of the cottage and a few minutes later I heard a
loud humming noise. The man dragged me out of the
cottage and shoved me into a black and yellow helicopter.
He jumped in the helicopter and said to the pilot
“ Go to Tāone/town Village!” “ Yes sir!” Said the helicopter
pilot. I screamed and shouted banging on the windows
but no one heard me. . .
An excellent piece of writing Indi - I love the way it draws you into the story in such a suspenseful manner. And the ending leaves you wanting more! Who was this man? What were his motives? What will happen next?
ReplyDeleteGreat descriptive writing Indi. I loved how you described the different senses. You could also try taste. What did the musty smell in the abandoned building taste like? Or when you were scared was their a taste in your mouth? This story definitely has me wanting to find out more! Is there going to be a part 2??? ; )
ReplyDeleteThanks for commenting mum and dad!
ReplyDeleteHi Indi
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your writing and talking about it with you. I loved the way you took the idea of this image giving you an eerie feeling and you wrote a short story that matched that feeling of something going wrong. You did a great job at meeting the goal of having lots of description in your work like, "As I walked in a musty smell hit me.
Dust filled my nose and I started to choke. " As a reader this meant I could imagine being there. Great cliff hanger ending too!